Holiday Seasons

It’s a mixed feeling about the Holiday Seasons.  I used to love this season, and I think part of me still do.  But the stressful side of me kind of take over this happy feeling.

Ever since a little girl, I always dream of having someone special surprises me with my favorite gift during holiday season like this.  It’s not about the gift, but it’s an acknowledgment of that special someone is thinking of me and putting an effort in making me feel special. Well, 36 years in life and I still don’t have that feeling yet.  When my late husband was still here, he was way too busy to notice my feelings, he was way to busy to acknowledgment what “made me feel special”.  I managed to squeeze in some of the special gifts for him throughout the years of marriage.  But I was never one on the receiving end.

Giving and receiving in a marriage is a general nice form of making each other feel special.  It is not how much the gift is, but it is the thought of knowing that special person acknowledges you and loves you enough to spend that moment to search for what can make you feel special.

I found myself on the giving end in my 15 years of marriage and yet having one day of being in the receiving end still a  fantasy for me.  Oh Lord, how I wish this year would be different from my many years of dull Holiday Seasons.  There is no “special someone” in my life anymore, so my “Holidays fantasy” to remain a fantasy.  While my Holidays are dull, I still wish everyone on earth to have a wonderful and happy Holiday Seasons.  Take a little time to make that special someone in your life feel “special”.  It is a nice gesture and will remain in the “Happy Memory Box” forever.

Happiness…

What is Happiness?…. I think we all have different definitions of happiness at different stages of our lives.  Here are my thoughts….

Early in my childhood, as early as I can remember, my thought of happiness was able to play all day without having to go to school.  I had a very happy childhood, so happiness was all around me.  

In my teen years.  Hmm… this is tricky, it wasn’t bad for me.  I had a boyfriend, my grades were good, my school wasn’t that competitive, so it was very laid back for me to sail through those years.   My headaches were mostly how to study fast to through the tests.  Compare to what my kids are doing in schools today, I was sailing thru school in paradise.  

In my 20s.  Adulthood kicked in and my gosh, I wished I was a teen again.  Although I had a great “teen hood”, I couldn’t wait to be an adult because I would get to do things without having to seek my parents’ approval.  At certain point during the “teen hood”, I had to seek approval from older sisters too.  Yikes!  that really sucked!  So in my 20s, I got married, had my first child, but still I was quite content in my position because I had a husband who adored me and a kid who was so cute!  I didn’t have to balance check book because my husband did it all.  Then, I opened my big mouth to my husband that I was ready to take on the “wife role”, meaning I wanted to be the one in charge of the finance at home.  Dang!  That was stupid of me.  We were very poor as my husband was still in school, I was traveling from city to city to work and tried to finish school.  My definition of happiness at the time was if only we had more money, things can solved and we all would be able to smile everyday.  Schools, residency, 2 kids later, we were still struggling financially.  I was working and functioned as a single mother everyday during those years.  I remember wishing everyday that his residency would end soon so he could start private practice.  Once again, I knew how the future would play out for us, so “happiness” was reachable.  Well, “happiness” in this decade of my life did not include our couple relationship.  I could only think of more money to solve the problem, and we all would be happier, then our couple life would be better.  During the last few years of this decade of my life, my husband and I almost ended up in a divorce court.  We lost touch emotionally, physically and intimately.  We came to the point that our only communication was through emails only.  

Fast forward to my early 30s (Noticed I only said early 30s, as I am only 36 and my husband passed away when I was 34).  Wow, only a few short years that we finally lived as a couple.  We decided to fix our marriage because we didn’t want to make the kids the victims our mistakes.  So here we go, we started to communicate better, taking more trips, enjoying more luxury lifestyle.  At this moment, “happiness” was all there.  We had the money, we lived in a big house, we travelled 3 times a year for vacation, we loved each other and we have 2 wonderful children.  This is exactly what the definition of “happiness” should be.  It was like a dream for me after a decade of struggles.  

At 36, now I have to re-visit and figure out what truly is the definition of happiness.  To me at this moment while writing this blog, I feel happy but yet, there is a huge despair of me inside.  I am still mourning of my deceased husband.   I am still mourning with the children when they cry of missing him.  But I am happy when I see both of my children doing so well in schools and their activities.  Happiness now to me is to be able to wake up healthy, able to take care of my children, soon I will be working in a position where it is meaningful and close to heart,  able to smile everyday with my family and friends.  

I will revisit this in a few years to come to see at that time what is the definition of happiness for me.  Stay tuned!…..

Tired….

It’s been so stressful these past few days.  I know I haven’t been doing that well emotionally, and it seems like I am not the only one.

Started on Sunday night, my youngest cried hard because he was missing his Dad.  There were so many questions in his crying spell that I couldn’t answer:  “Why did God have to take him?”  “Why couldn’t God just make him better so he could still be here with us?”  “Everyone has a Dad, and why can’t I?”  The list of unanswered questions went on….  As his mother, I felt helpless.  More of it, I felt guilty of not being able to give him a happy home.  See, we as parents always want to protect our kids, always want to give our kids the best of everything only to see the smiles on their faces.  But when a child is in tears, we would love to just wipe the tears away and tell him that everything will be OK.   I found myself couldn’t even say that.  I don’t know if we are going to be OK.  We are in the limbo right now, I don’t know how everything is going to play out.  I couldn’t deliver a promise to him.  I cried with him, I wiped away his tears and promised that I would do everything I can to stay healthy for him.  

My oldest seems to be so tired from swimming.  He swims for school team and club team.  He hasn’t been doing that well at meets.  I am so worried about him as well.  

See, I have 2 boys, no one wants to tell me anything until they can’t hold it in anymore.  By that time, it is not an outburst anymore, it has always became an explosion.  I didn’t raise my kids that way, but they have the crazy stoic Asian blood in them!  I can’t stand it!

Who am I to judge when it comes to being stoic.  I am quite a stubborn person myself.  I am dealing with this emotional demon inside me and I don’t want to tell anyone.  People always say they are there for you, but how many of them can do that?   The more emotional you get, the more people stay away from you.  I don’t want to be in these shoes, but I didn’t have a choice!  I hate to be the emotional train wreck, but I really didn’t have a choice!  I am so tired.  I am so tired.  I don’t know how much longer I can handle this.  I cried in the bathroom last night so the kids didn’t have to see it.  I love this blogging thing because I get to say everything I feel and no one reads it.  Why do I have to suffer so much losses?  I am angry at this, SO ANGRY!  What can I do?  What should I do?  

Reflecting of this past week….

This week presented different types of challenges.  Remember, when I speak of challenge, I don’t mean to compare my challenges with anyone else’s.  I am sure there are many people having worse challenges than mine.  

Tuesday – My oldest son came home with back pain.  I rushed him to see our friend to make sure that the back pain wasn’t anything serious.  Thankfully, it was just a strained muscle.  Then, I headed off to a meeting where I felt more related.  A group of people who are grieving and dealing with life changing situations.  I am so glad I attended that meeting as it was nice to be able to talk things out.  I was a happier person after a 45 minutes phone call with someone who I haven’t been spoken with in months.  We had good laughs, we covered different topics that made our conversation fun and lighthearted.  For the first time, he was praising me.  That night was special to me.  Unfortunately, I could hear another voice on the other end as well.  I know that the line is there and it is more visible to me now.  I know my limit at this point.  I won’t cross that line.

Wednesday – My oldest one got the stomach bug.  Yuck!  He came home from school and slept until 9:00pm, got up to have dinner and to take a shower. I knew he wasn’t well when he sleeps that much.  I decided to take him to the doctor on Thursday.  His fever spiked up so he got to stay home with me.  He slept most of day which is even more unusual.  This child doesn’t sleep!

As I am writing this, today is Saturday.  I am still sipping my coffee and writing this “journal”.  I find this writing therapeutic because I get to express it without the fear of someone judging me.  I am still struggling to find the right job because of my history of employment has not been updated since 2007.  I haven’t worked in the professional field for that long!  But I won’t give up, I will continue to search until I find one.  It is hard to have that upbeat attitude sometimes.  I am very worried about the finance for the house.  “Life is full of surprises!” – Oh yes it is.  Widow at 35, raising 2 kids alone, falling for someone who I don’t know him in the deeper level, looking for a job after 7 years of being a stay-at-home Mom, back to school to get another degree.

I am looking forward to the day where happiness will knock on my door once again…. 

Moving on….

This new chapter of my life has been quite challenging.  It makes me think of things that I’d never thought of in my entire life.  

The first confusion of GRIEF.   Short little word, but the definition is long.  So long that I can’t even put all on the same page.  The stages of grief are even more confusing.  I was all over the place this past year.  By now, I would like to think that I am at “Acceptance” stage.  I have accepted that this is part of my life.  I have accepted that this is part of me and my history.  I have accepted that this will linger around me for the rest of my life.  But there is a part of me still in the “Anger” stage.  I hate this new life.  I hate everything about it.  People often tell me that I shouldn’t feel lonely with my kids around.  My kids are my everything.  They are the love of my life.  However, I can’t help but feeling that one part of my life is missing.  It is not so much loneliness anymore, it is about having a companion with me.  My husband and I never really had a couple life until after his diagnosis.  He never had time to pay attention to me.  He spent more time with his patients, colleagues and friends on the phone than talking to me.  We’d never celebrated our anniversary together romantically.  His work always came first.  As a woman, no matter how strong I am, I still want to be loved.  I have been the single mother from the day I gave birth to our oldest child.  This is why I can still function on the day to day routines.  I miss, however, the companionship.  

The second phrase:  “Moving on…”  What the heck is “moving on”?  How can one move on when medical bills still coming in after almost 1.5 years since his passing?  How can one start a new life when that “old life” keeps on coming back to either haunt you or remind you that your pass isn’t over yet?  This is the cruelty of reality.  I am the person who always look at the glass as after full, not half empty.  But lately, it seems harder to do so.  On the surface, everything seems to be on the right track.  The kids are doing well in school.  I can walk out and smile to everyone.  But deep down inside, I just want to cry and collapse.  I have a hard time expressing this feeling to anyone including my grief counselor.  I have the fear of losing all of friends if I express it.  I have the fear of having people worry about me.  I know my sisters always worry about me, so I have to put up that strong and keep moving attitude to everyone.  I am wondering if there is actually one person in this world can see through me and tells me that everything will be OK.  

So when is “moving on” going to happen to me?  I am looking forward to that day.  

Thoughts of a gloomy day….

Outside looks so gloomy today here.  It rained all night…. I am thankful for the rain because we needed it badly.  

How am I feeling today?  A bit of disappointment for something that didn’t happen yesterday where I wished so badly for that to happen.  But the past weekend made me realized that it is time to move on and take another step forward.

Taking step forward, all the inspirational posts on Facebook about forgiveness and letting go and looking at things on the brighter side.  How many of us can do it?  At this moment, I can’t forgive some people, I can’t let go of certain situation that is still haunting me, how can I look at things in a positive way when all the negative things are happening around me?  Am I the odd ball that can’t do what those inspirational quotes tell me to do?  Who knows?  But I know where I stand today,  I take that as a good thing.

I have lost my identity for quite a while.  I am still searching for that.  I knew I was a wife, a Mom, then a caregiver to a very ill husband.  Now I am a widow and a Mom.  Who the heck am I?  I became this indecisive person that I never was.  It is scaring me and it is hard to get out of this mode.  

Today, I leave this page with a quote where it matches me the most since I started this lonely journey….  

“Sometime the hardest part isn’t letting go but rather learning to start over” – Nicole Sobon

The lonely world….

This title is ridiculous.  I truly can’t think of any other title than this.  Since this is my first post, here is a little my history.  Although I set this up as anonymous, but I still want the readers to know a little of my background.

I lost my husband of almost 15 years to Lung Cancer in May 2012.  Our life before cancer diagnosis was perfect.  He was a Physician, he made enough money for us to have a big house, I was able to be the stay-at-home Mom (notice I don’t use the term “housewife” because I don’t like that term), we were able to provide the best of everything for our sons, we were able to travel at least twice a year, we were able to buy anything we wanted.  Life started to look better since his private practice started.  13 months after his diagnosis, he passed away.  

Here I am, in the midst of financial struggles to emotional struggles to the loneliness of not having a companion to discuss or to guide me to what I should do next.  I have never failed in my life.  Whatever i wanted to do, I was able to set goals and achieved it. But this time is different, I have my goals, but I don’t know how to reach it.  I have searched many web pages to see how other widows survive.  

“Widow” is another I never thought it would slam on me.  I got slammed with the term “housewife” already.  Whether I like the term “housewife” or not, it is the same meaning as “stay-at-home Mom”.  However, I’d like to think it is different.  “Stay-at-home Mom” has more responsibilities.  We take care of kids, we do everything for our husbands while they are at work, we WORK at home.  “Widow” is another term.  I feel like it is a term for older women.  When I say older, I mean in the 80s.  This term is not intended for 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, or even 70s women.  Yet, at the age of 35, I was slapped with this term.  I feel like I woke up one morning, someone forced me to put on this suit that is 2 sizes smaller, the pattern of the fabric is so loud with the giant letter in front and back “W” and the fabric is horrible.  I had to put this on because there wasn’t any other choice.  I can’t breathe in it, I hate the look of it, I hate the feel of it, I hate the entire ensemble.  I had to wear it.  This suit is very tricky, see, you put it on, but you cannot take it off.   I had to learn to get used to it.  I am still learning to get used to this suit.  This is the new normal life of a widow.  

It’s been 15 months since his passing, I feel lonelier each day.  Now I understand why people remarry so fast or people jump into another relationship within months.  For the last 15 years, I was so used to be able to bounce my idea off someone and I took my next step.  I kept my wedding vows during his illness, I was with him 24/7 during his 13 months of fight.  But where is he when I need him most?  This is the time when I am so lost.  This is the time where I need that one person to lift me up.  This is the time where I need to someone to guide me through.  I look around my house and there is no one.  There is no one to talk to.  My children are at school.  They are too young for me to talk to about my financial woe, about my personal woe, about my own feelings.  It is very lonely around here.  

Lately, I had developed this feeling for someone.  I don’t even know what type of person he is, but I have this nonstop thoughts of him.  I have asked myself if this is a true feeling of liking him or is this one of those “I am lonely and need a companion.  He happens to be the single person that I know”.  I can’t talk to anyone about this because no one will approve this relationship.  He has a very bad track records.  I won’t go into detail of his personal records, but I know that he is not the type of guy that I should be falling for if this feeling is real.  

This blog is my only way of expressing my feelings without feeling restricted.  My only restriction here is I won’t reveal any names.  I hope one day, he will be the one who is reading this blog and will know that I am waiting for him here.